Ac, cent. Uate the positive. E,lim. Inate the negative.
Beth "Toodles" Annie does not like the 100 greatest songs of the last quarter-century. But I am going to see the glass as half-full of [insert witty beverage here] and point out 10 songs on the list that, for better or worse, I like. I do this instead of writing two 600-word film reviews that are due tomorrow:
5 -- U2, "One"
7 -- Prince, "When Doves Cry"
22 -- Cyndi Lauper, "Time After Time"
35 -- The Sugarhill Gang, "Rapper's Delight"
41 -- Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Under The Bridge"
44 -- Gloria Gaynor, "I Will Survive"
59 -- Meat Loaf, "Paradise By The Dashboard Light"
Eight reasons why you correctly believe that summer is the stupidest season.
In winter, you can layer to your heart's content. In summer, even if you become a nudist, there's only so much you can take off.
You're always slathering an unappealing substance on your skin: If it's day, you need sunscreen; if it's evening, you need bug spray. (I do not wish to consider where nudists need slather, thank you kindly.)
Amusement parks are overcrowded.
Children are out frolicking, even during weekday mornings. You are sitting behind a desk doing data entry.
Lawns either grow too quickly or whither away and die.
Summer vacations mean that if you have not taken off time from your place of employment, you have to cover for your missing comrades.
From Independence Day through Labor Day, there is a two-month holidayless period; there's not even a Flag Day or Columbus Day to break up the monotony.
Summer ice cream melts.
I have a sunburn. It is not too bad of a sunburn. But it is a sunburn.
oh so lovingly written by
Matthew |
these are comments, 8.
I looking for festivals to submit "Ernest" to. (This will help motivate me to finish the film prior to Cornerstone.) I have to do MicroCine ($15) by July 1st, and I have to do Georgetown ($10; also the only fest remaining that I've submitted "Eileen" to) by, apparently, August 15th (was June 15th). So find a Wisconsin/Illinois/Iowa/somewhere in Canada festival for me to submit it to that (a) has low submission fees and (b) has a deadline no earlier than the end of this month.
Sound: Lowish hand-chime strike (timpani might work, as well)
Sound: "Hey Vern" from Jim Varney (online, perhaps?)
Sound: "Eeeewwww" from Jim Varney (online, perhaps?)
Video: Not-so-great-looking bar (2s [2 seconds])
Video: Shot glass (2s)
Video: Someone's mouth opening and closing relatively quickly (think Phil Madeira in "Smug" video) (4s)
Video: Arm staying still on black (or other neutral) (4s)
Video: Long tracking shot of stars in the sky (no moon allowed) (10s)
Video: Long tracking shot of dark clouds (no moon allo...well, obvously) (10s)
Video: Map of Maquoketa (4s)
Video: Map of Falkland Islands (4s)
Video: Spray paint being sprayed (left to right) (2s)
Video: Spray paint being sprayed (right to left -- or a different left to right, which I can invert) (2s)
Video: Spinning pineapple (5s)
Video: Tree (5s)
Video: Different tree (5s)
Video: Another different tree (5s)
Video: Jingling keys (3s)
Video: Map of Algona (stealing from "Eileen" footage)
Video: Map of Siam (4s)
Video: Orange juice, preferably being poured into some bar-esque glass (4s)
Video: Close-up of the flame of a candle (180s would be preferred, but I can loop part of it if need be)
Video: Camera tracking the flight of a disc, preferably before it hits a tree (as many "s" as possible, up to about 10s)
Video: Some video of Jim Varney as Ernest (as many "s" as possible, up to about 10s)
I'm changing how I'm using the above video slightly from my initial thoughts, by the way. Now it will be even cooler! ("!" sarcastic; this will be a horrible film. Worse than thrice-rejected/once-accepted "Eileen.")
No tripods allowed. All must be kinda shaky. (Thus, you cannot just find a map of Maquoketa online and put it into my film as a static image because that is not shaky.) All can go over the number of seconds mentioned; I can edit, of course. Try to center the image left to right within the frame; if you cannot, I'll fix it in the mix. (I will be anti-letterboxing these images to make them square.)
Anyway. Those with cameras -- and there's no reason why people getting cameras on Monday could not participate, since they could still upload AVI files by next Friday or send me a MiniDV tape -- thank you.
I have now shot, edited, and finalized 35 seconds worth of "Ernest Goes to the Window." (The finished part is not in the script.) So. If you are helping me out on any of the stuff that I said I needed, Ernest-wise, please let me know; otherwise, I will start working on finding/recording all that myself. Absolute deadline of me having that material in my hands is a week from Friday, as the "Ernest" will be completed that weekend. If you cannot help, that is fine.
Also, I would like to somehow get a recording of the real Ernest saying either "Hey Vern" or "Eeeewwwwww." Video is best; audio is better than nothing. I would like ideas on how to get this, par fovar.
François the goldfish has left for a better place. Kim and I have had the joy of being his owners for the past two years, and he brought us much pleasure in that time. He had stopped eating in the past few days, and he had recently started looking more sickly, but in his better days he was a beautiful fish with a glorious orange fantail and happy demeanor. We will miss François.
I took some film footage of him when he was a lively young fish. You can see it here.
(I wrote this last week, just waiting for the proper day to post it. That is why some of the statistics are slightly out of date.)
I am being relatively serious. John Olerud, my favorite baseball player since he was drafted by the Blue Jays in 1989 -- I loved how he both pitched and played first base in college -- is known for mostly for his consistancy: on-base percentage of at least .375 for the past 11 seasons, .300 average most years; 30 or 40 doubles a season, 15 or 20 home runs. A good, but not great, baseball player.
But now. Let us compare Olerud's current statistics with two other first basemen who have made the hall of fame:
AVG OBP SLG H HR RBI
John Olerud .299 .404 .475 1996 231 1092
George Kelly .297 .342 .452 1778 148 1020
Frank Chance .296 .394 .394 1273 20 596
More to the point, let's compare Olerud's projected future statistics to more Hall of Fame first basemen:
3000 hits obviously would make him a lock, but ever two or three more good seasons would give him statistics that match up surprisingly well with a number of first-base hall-of-famers. (Even now, he has a better on-base percentage than all but four or the 18 hall-of-famers who played first base.) Investment note: Pick up his rookie cards now.
---
John Olerud quote of the week. Regarding what 2000 hits means to him: ""I think this means I'm getting older. I've been playing for a number of years."
---
Bonus John Olerud quote of the week. "John Olerud [who wears jersey number 5], had to veto 'Mambo No. 5,' but he's OK with his current playlist [the songs that play when a player comes to bat], which includes the soccer anthem 'Alé Alé Alé Alé' and 'Johnny's Theme' from 'The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.' 'I should come up with a few songs that are my responsibility, but usually I don't care,' Olerud said....'I really should pick some, because otherwise people might think that's the kind of music you like, and that might not be the case.'"
---
Fun Democratic presidential nominee wannabe trivia of the week! Al Sharpton has been an ordained minister since age nine. That is wack.
---
Something has been updated. But there's no way it could be this.
---
Speaking of. I am now allowing short films to make my top ten lists. Yay short films.
oh so lovingly written by
Matthew |
these are comments, 2.
Review straight from my non-working review weblog.
Down With Love | Peyton Reed | B
Too insincere to be an anachronistic homage a la Guy Maddin, yet too spot-on to be completely parody, Down with Love bestrides some strange middle ground with so much joie de vivre that the film mostly transcends its odd lack of genre. Helps that the '60s -- as portrayed here -- is as entertaining of an era as is era-ly possible, and Reed makes the smart decision to ditch pathos and melancholy amorous longing almost entirely in favor of fun fun fun 'till her Daddy takes the T-Bird away. (Example: Reneé finds Ewan in the arms of another woman. In le typical romantic comedy, Reneé runs away, there is a reconciliation in the final five minutes, and wedding pictures are shown over the credits. Here, Ewan comes up with the lamest excuse possible, Reneé buys into it, and all is temporarily well and happy again. Bien.) Starting worrying about the unnecessary explicitness of the double entendres (a contradiction in terms, yes) at the foolish, Austin Powers-ripoff split-screen scene, and thus I wasn't completely sure about the grade until Reneé's Big Explanatory Monologue, which oh baby was that ingenious. All principals meet the period acting requirements nicely, although Reneé please open your eyes more.
oh so lovingly written by
Matthew |
these are comments, 13.
"Ernest Goes to the Window" draft one-and-a-half.
This is somewhere between drafts one and two, but I decided I'd give y'all a chance to read it and make suggestions prior to the end of draft two. Yes, the screenplay is rather strange. No, I'm not completely sure what is going on with the film. No, the dream sequence mentioned in the middle of the film is not a sly rebuke to the similar one in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Yes, I wrote that Falkland Islands poem segment myself. Yes, the phrase "Hey Vern" is used 37 times. (My goal: To bring it up to 53.)
Reading hints:
1) Everything is read at top speed -- Gilmore Girls speed -- except for the two or three instances where it is specifically said not to.
2) Italicized bits are read in falsetto.
3) The [ding] is the hand chime.
4) I said there would be end credit music. No longer.
5) My talking will be in color. Other things that will be filmed (by me or the Ed/Beth-Annie) team, such as orange juice (aka a "virgin screwdriver"), will be changed to black & white, and that will be placed at about a 20 percent opacity over the main image. I tried it with some raw footage from "Eileen," and it looked pretty cool, methinks.
6) I am looking for ways to lengthen the screenplay -- at the speed I want to take it, the film may only be about four minutes long as is -- so.
7) Don't worry about the numbers.
8) I need to maintain a consistent tense, I know. If someone wants to fix it all present-tense like for me so I don't have to, I will deem you, um, Script Editor.
I think it will play better than it reads. Let's all hope so.
Another opportunity to get your name in the credits of the tentatively titled, "Ernest Goes to the Window."
Sounds I need:
* Snare-drum hit (preferably four snare-drum hits at about 120bpm; otherwise, I'll just repeat the one four times)
* Low hand-chime ring -- around, say, low C -- that goes on for three or four seconds
* Some sort of original end credits music, but I'll probably do that myself
That's it, really. I'm trying to make this film much more simple than "Eileen"; otherwise, there's no way I'm finishing it by the end of this month.
I will will will have the finished second draft of the script done by Friday for you to look at and comment upon. Assuming the comments are working by then, of course.
oh so lovingly written by
Matthew |
these are comments, 6.
I do not like when business try to make themselves look good by asking their patrons to donate money to some worthy cause if the company is not agreeing to match the donation. Guilttripping people into giving without giving yourself is the worst kind of hypocracy. That means you, Regal Cinemas.
I do not like when organizations one is a part of ask one to sell something to unsuspecting friends and neighbours, particularly if one is a horrible seller.
I do not like making things shorter, such as hair and lawns.
I do not like spazzy kid number eight in Spellbound. He is just too spazzy.
I do not like that my new film reviews blog is not publishing so you cannot see my review of Spellbound.
I have been spending my lunches this week in the neverending house search. I should have been spending them with you.
---
To continue that thought: No, we have no idea what house we will be buying.
---
Dear people with video cameras: As "[sic]" is temporarily on hold until probably early next month, I am instead working on a film (with me as sole actor, likely) that is a cross between "Rock Island" from The Music Man and Samuel Beckett's play "Play." I need some (preferably surrealish) footage of some of the following:
* Trees
* More trees
* Orange juice in cups
* Orange juice being poured
* Toes
* Window coverings
* Disc golf
* Trees being hit by discs
* Flickering lights
* Fish
* Manoqukins (sic)
* Maquotata (sic)
* Lettace (sic)
i sincerely do not know what you are doing here. are you lost? were you
looking for your delicate calico cat, and did you follow her up two flights of stairs
to this room? she is not here. she was here, yes. we gave her a warm bowl of milk, we talked with her about campaign finance reform for a time, and then she bid us good day. i believe she was
going to the post office two blocks down, but i don't quite recall.
for surely you did
not find your way from prinsiana, the least traveled site on
the internet. if you did, though, perhaps you are looking for humor. perhaps you are looking for profundity. perhaps you are looking for answers.
i'm sorry, but you shall go naught-for-three.
