(Camera on window, bathed in light, shades drawn, blinds half-open. Chair on left. That is all that is seen. Very slowly, a young man with a suit, unmatching hat, and a cane very slowly walks very slowly in. He sits down in the chair. Three or four seconds later, he opens his mouth as to speak, then closes it. Three or four seconds later, he takes off his hat and puts it on his chair.)

(Speaking very very very quickly, in rhythm.) There was this bar, this bar where I met her.

(Cut to black; four quick drum beats.)

There was this bar, this bar where I met her. Moonlight. There was none. It was a new moon. Dark. She wore a red turtleneck, no arms, she had arms, the turtleneck no. We talked, she was...

(Cut to black; four quick drum beats.)

We talked, she was interested in Hummels. I am interested in Hummels, she said, and I knew [ding] pardon I did not know about Hummels. She was from Maquoketa. Where the [ding], pardon, where is Maquoketa. Maquoketa is in Iowa. I ask if she is the daughter of a rich potato farmer. She is not. She wonders if I have an opinion on the invasion of the Falkland Islands. I do not. She wants to convince me to her side. She has poetry. I listen. "Recall the faces, cast against the crowd /of british-trained marines with weary eyes / in fatigues and boots, sans bayonets / encircled by the Army of Surprise." The poetry does not help. I do not know if she is pro or con Falklands. She leaves. She talks to Vern who was nursing a virgin screwdriver. He knows about Hummels. I hear. He knows about Hummels. He knows about Iowa. I hear. He knows about Iowa. He is pro-Falklands. I hear. She is pro-Falklands. His name is Vern. HA HA HA! I am Ernest and he is Vern. It is ironic. She left with Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey...

(Cut to black; one quick drum beat.)

Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey [ding] pardon Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Cause and effect. Prima facie. I did not love her but she was cute. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Did you sleep with her Vern. Hey Vern. She left with Vern.

(Cut to black; two quick drum beats.)

Hey Vern. I went to sleep. Hey Vern. I dreamt about Vern. He was going to be eaten by a sabre-toothed (to be precise, with eight sabre teeth and eight molars) hippopotamus, but then he woke up. "Wow! What a horrible dream!" Vern thought. But then he noticed the eight lions at the side of his bed, which were already starting to gnaw on his arm, but then he woke up. "Wow! What a horrible dream within a dream!" he thought. But then he noticed the eight-foot-tall black bear in his walk-in closet (the walk-in closet on the left-hand side of the bedroom, not the walk-in closet on the right hand side of the bedroom; nor the smaller walk-in closet in the back of the walk-in closet on the right-hand side of the bedroom; nor the walk-in closet in the back of the bathroom, connected to the bedroom by a doorway in the back of the bedroom; nor the walk-in closet his neighbor had just installed in their swimming pool on the left-hand side [as facing the diving board] of the eight-foot end of the pool), but then he saw the can of black spray paint, and then he did not know [ding] pardon, knew that his pet eight-foot-tall brown bear had painted himself black as an April Fools' Joke, as today was the first of April, but then he woke up. "Wow! What a..." And then an eight-foot-tall black bear started attacking Vern’s feet, and there were no cans of black spray paint around (only eight teal cans, stacked in two four-can columns [side-to-side, not front-to-back] in the smaller walk-in closet in the back of the walk-in closet on the right-hand side of the bedroom), and then....

(Cut to black; six quick drum beats.)

...And then he died. Hey Vern. I do not like you Vern. You stole my girl Vern. You stole my girl Vern. You are a [ding] pardon, I am not fond of Vern, you Vern. I woke up. I picked up the newspaper. There was an article about a pineapple. It said: "The pineapple had a disconsolate existence; sans mouth, ears and eyes, it lay stagnant and decaying, with no acumen of the world that beset it. Then the Mormon Tabernacle Choir finally reaches the "one bottle of beer on the wall" verse, and the closing credits roll." The article made no sense, but I thought of Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. He does not like pineapples. He finds them too sweet. I am conjecting. He is dumb. He does not know what a Mormon is nor a Tabernacle. He thinks pineapples grow on tress. How dumb. No wait. They do. Pineapple trees. Never [ding] pardon nevermind. He is still dumb. And he stole my girl.

(Cut to black; two quick drum beats.)

Hey Vern. I go back to the bar. I am looking for her. Hey her. Hey her. Hey her. Hey [ding] pardon her. Hey Vern. Hey her. She is not there. Vern is not there. She is sleeping with Vern. They are having sex. Probably in my apartment. Vern stole my keys [ding] pardon I still have my keys. But maybe he is there. Making love in my bed. But then Vern walks in. [very slowly] "Hey Vern" [up to speed] I say to him. There is no girl. What did he do with her? I do not know. Perhaps she is [ding] pardon there she is. [very slowly] "Hey her" I say to her. She sits down and...

(Cut to black; six quick drum beats.)

She sits down and brushes her leg against mine. Excuse me [ding] pardon pardon me. I tell her I do not mind. Vern sits down. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Get away Vern. They converse about Hummels exported from Maquoketa to the Falklands. I try to steer the conversation to Beanie Babies imported from Siam to Algona. They do not care. They are in love. This is a problem. This is an issue. This is something that need be resolved. I need resolve this. I am the...

(Cut to black; no drum beats.)

[Ding] Pardon...

(Cut to black; five drum beats.)

I am the resolver. It is the time. I buy three amaretto sours for her and seven virgin screwdrivers for Vern. He has to pee. I follow him to the bathroom to ostensibly talk guy stuff. I duct tape his mouth and wrists and ankles and throw him out the window. I throw myself out the window. I walk to my car. He hops to my car. We drive to the disc golf course. It is dusk. The final foursome is on tee 15. We walk to tee 14. I bring the electrical generator. I strap the television to his back. The videotape is in my coat pocket. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Keep walking Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. Too heavy Vern. Too bad Vern. Hey Vern. Hey Vern. I sit him down facing the television. I put in the tape, and I make him watch Ernest Goes To Camp seven times before he dies.

(Cut to black; 6 drum beats. Directed/Editing/Written credits)

(Ernest putting on his hat)

(Cut to black; 4 drum beats. Production/Acting Credits)

(Ernest getting up from his chair)

(Cut to black; 2 drum beats. Other Credits)

(Ernest walking away.)

(Cut to black; ding.)