Dear Anyone Whom I Will See In The Next Month Who Is Neither A Friend Nor A Particularly Close Acquaintance:
Hi. To those of you who do not know me, my name is Matthew Prins. I live in Henrico County, Virginia, probably not very far from where you live. During my prayers before bed last night, I made a request to God that he send me the list of everyone I would come in contact with during the next month, and this morning he e-mailed that list to me, a list which included your name and address. (I removed all friends and close acquaintances from this list, so be assured that by receiving this e-mail that you are neither.)
You see, I have had a problem the last five days that I am trying to rectify, and I believe the only way to rectify the situation is to write a letter to everyone whom I will see in the next month. It has come to my attention that certain people who are neither friends nor close acquaintances of mine -- and in fact are sometimes nearly perfect strangers to me -- believe that I am a good person to direct their gripes about other people to. In fact, five times since Thursday, in three very different situations, people who are neither friends nor close acquaintances of mine have in essence taken me aside and said, "Ugh! Can you believe that [someone else's name]? They said I [did bad thing], but they [did other bad thing], and poor, poor me!" (I will admit that not all of the statements were quite this blatant, but three were close.) Ironically, in four of the five situations, I was actually a closer "friend" to the complainee than the complainer. In all five of the situations, I responded in the way I generally respond: a look downward followed by a weak shrug of the shoulders -- a combination that ought to imply concerned indifference or some other oxymoron. Alas, this does not seem to be having the desired effect, and now I am getting tense any time anyone pulls me to the side to have a conversation regarding please don't complain about someone please don't complain about someone please don't whew it's just about the NCAA tournament pool. I believe I may have rolled my eyes at person number five's complaint -- I am not sure -- but I am sick of this.
I realize that I will have to deal with these situations again during my lifetime, but all I would like is a month-long hiatus. That is why I am writing to you. Before you say something to someone you barely know such as "Is does that guy hate me, or does he act all b****y to everyone?" -- a near-direct quote from this week, mind -- please ask yourself: Is the person I am telling this too male? Do I know his name? Can I be positive that it is not Matthew Prins? If it is Matthew Prins, am I positive that he is a friend of mine? Please, think before you fink.
i sincerely do not know what you are doing here. are you lost? were you
looking for your delicate calico cat, and did you follow her up two flights of stairs
to this room? she is not here. she was here, yes. we gave her a warm bowl of milk, we talked with her about campaign finance reform for a time, and then she bid us good day. i believe she was
going to the post office two blocks down, but i don't quite recall.
for surely you did
not find your way from prinsiana, the least traveled site on
the internet. if you did, though, perhaps you are looking for humor. perhaps you are looking for profundity. perhaps you are looking for answers.
i'm sorry, but you shall go naught-for-three.
