This is a new segment at How Perfectly Swell that I will call "Secrets of Industry -- Revealed!" In this segment, I will reveal secrets of industry. I will do this so that my capitalist readers may capitalize on the action plans of America's greatest corporations and become rich and then support the unrich proprietors of Prinsiana. In today's edition, I have illegally procured a "Opening Checktask List" and "Closing Checktask List" from the Z Gallerie at Oakbrook Center, a major upscale Chicago-area mall:

Opening Checklist Task:
REVIEW PRIOR NIGHT’S CLOSE, WALK FLOOR, MAKE LIST OF UNCOMPLETED TASKS
REVIEW PRIOR NIGHT’S PHONE MESSAGES
FILL OUT ZONE CHART COMPLETELY -- ASSSIGN AREAS OF RESPONISIBILITY
PULL ALL EXPIRED HOLDS
ORGANIZE HOLD AND SOLD AREAS
CHECK TAGS ON ALL MERCHANDISE -- REPLACE AS NEEDED
TURN ON ALL SPECIALTY LIGHTS AND LAMPS FOR STORE OPENING
TURN ON FOUNTAINS, FILL WITH WATER AS NEEDED
CASHWRAP - STOCK WITH BAGS, BOXES, TISSUES, PENS
ENSURE UPS ORDERS FROM PRIOR DAY ARE PACKED, LOGGED AND READY TO SHIP
REPLACE BURNT OUT LIGHT BULBS - SALES FLOOR, GALLERY AND DISPLAY WINDOW
REVIEW COMMUNKATIONS (EMAILS, MEMOS, FAXES, UPDATE)
COMPLETE TASKS FROM THE UPDATE OR OTHER COMMUNICATIONS
GALLERY - PULL BACKSTOCK
GALLERY - ORGANIZE STACKS (BY SUBJECT, SIZE, STYLE AND DIRECTION)
GALLERY - ENSURE PIECES ON WALL AND ON DISPLAY ARE PRICED
REPLENISH SALES FLOOR FROM STOCKROOM AREA ONE
REPLENISH SALES FLOOR FROM STOCKROOM AREA TWO
REPLENISH SALES FLOOR FROM STOCKROOM AREA THREE
REPLENISH SALES FLOOR FROM STOCKROOM AREA FOUR
REPLENISH SALES FLOOR FROM STOCKROOM AREA FIVE
WIPE DOWN GLASS TABLE TOPS, MIRRORS AND SHELVING
CLEAN WINDOWS (LOOK AT THE STORE FROM THE OUTSIDE)
ENSURE CLIPBOARDS ARE STOCKED WITH SUPPLIES (LEAD SHEETS, CALCULATORS)
CLEAN DESIGNATED ZONE(S) FOR THE DAY

Closing Checklist Task:
GALLERY - FILL ALL HOLES ON GALLERY WALLS PROPERLY
GALLERY- STRAIGHTEN PRINTS ON THE WALL
GALLERY - REPLACE ANY SOLD DISPLAY PIECES ON THE SALES FLOOR, DISPLAY WINDOWS
GALLERY - RE-STAPLE ANY LOOSE OR MISSING GALLERY CORNERS
GALLERY - ORGANIZE STACKS (BY SUBJECT, SIZE, STYLE AND DIRECTION)
GALLERY - SWEEP OR USE DUSTBUSTER AROUND THE GALLERY STACKS
GALLERY - ORGANIZE GALLERY DRAWER, HARDWARE AND SUPPLIES
STOCK, STRAIGHTEN, FRONT, FACE -- ZONE ONE
STOCK, STRAIGHTEN, FRONT, FACE —- ZONE TWO
STOCK, STRAIGHTEN, FRONT, FACE -- ZONE THREE
STOCK, STRAIGHTEN, FRONT, FACE -- ZONE FOUR
STOCK, STRAIGHTEN, FRONT, FACE -- ZONE FIVE
CHECK WINDOW DISPLAYS: CLEAN AND FRESHEN AS NEEDED
MOVE ALL HOLD/SOLD ITEMS TO APPROPRIATE AREA
FLUFF ALL BEDS AND SOFAS (FRONT WINDOW IS TOP PRIORITY)
PLACE FABRIC SAMPLES BACK IN CORRECT LOCATIONS
ENSURE ALL PILLOW TAGS ARE HIDDEN
CLEAN BREAKROOM (SWEEP, DISHES, FRIDGE, TABLE IS ALL CLEARED AND CLEANED)
CLEAN BATHROOM (SWEEP, ORGANIZED, COUNTERS WIPED DOWN, STOCKED)
SPOT MOP HIGH TRAFFIC AREAS. (AFTER STORE IS CLOSED)
SWEEP or DRYMOP ENTIRE STORE (EDGES AND UNDER FURNITURE A MUST)
VACUUM CARPETED AREAS AND ALL AREA RUGS (REMOVE GUM)
CASHWRAP - ORGANIZE CATALOGS
CASHWRAP - CLEAN AND WIPE COUNTERS (CLUTTER FREE)
TURN OFF ALL LAMPS, FOUNTAINS, EXTINGUISH CANDLES
PUT AWAY ALL CLEANING SUPPLIES (MOPS, VACUUMS, ETC.)
TRASH (OFFICE, BREAKROOM, BATHROOM, STOCKROOM, CASHWRAP)
CLEAN OFF ALL MERCHANDISE CARTS and ELEVATORS (If applicable) - COMPLETELY
TURN OFF MUSIC (CD and AMP)
LEAVE COMMUNICATION FOR OPENING SHIFT (BELOW)

You are now ready to make $2 million.

Ahem. Back on that day, before I had played in my first and thus far only disc golf tournament, I wrote the following: "My predicted rating, if I play: somewhere between 820 and 850. (That'd be about one stroke per hole worse than the best professionals in the world which, when you think about it, isn't too bad.)" Yeah. No. The PDGA has finally caught up ratingwise with the summer and early autumn tourneys, and my current rating is a unlovely 698, which puts me at 160th of the 165 Virginia disc golfers who have played in at least one PDGA-sanctioned competition. Boo me.

All the below words and phrases are anagrams for some other word or phrase. Actually, they are no doubt anagrams for numerous words and phrases, but there is only one word or phrase I am looking for (which no doubt relates to this website), and that is the answer that will get you a sparkling half-point. Yeah. If comments don't seem to be working at that very moment, e-mail, or don't e-mail, or comment, or whatever. I don't care. Although I really do.

1) shipment wart.
2) Utah's limp.
3) A stringer masseuse.
4) Ace -- cad! -- tilt ice cola.
5) Kegs Thereinafter IV
6) Elroy, learn chillness.
7) relax, Edna.
8) reddened with banana.
9) all courageousness? huge.
10) 'til lazy week.
11) Don Garvey.
12) sandman did romp.
13) a vat, dimmed.
14) I grill Lisa.
15) Devon: a finisher.
16) I'm by sprinkler.
17) I, Poe.
18) saint in piracy.
19) Cheryl Fellows wept.
20) me gaga earthman.

That is almost clever, my headline is. Anyway, I have this half-urge to audition next month for the James River Ringers, which is the Richmond-area bell troupe extraordinaire. I do not know if I will. Even if I do, I put my chances of getting in at about 40 percent; while I'm a fine enough ringer on the non-high bells, I can't four-in-hand, and I can't Shelly, so I guess it depends where the openings are in the bell choir and you're all bored so I'm shutting up.

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I won a foosball table on Saturday at Kim's casino-esque Christmas party despite having lost all my fake money at the roulette table. Yay free raffle tickets at the door as one enters.

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Okay. I am going to try to write more in my stupid play this week. So watch for it.

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Second-to-last 2002 contest is tomorrow at 5:00P Virginia Standard Time. (Kimberly, please do not forget that there is a contest tomorrow, just like most every Tuesday at 5:00P.) I am not sure what I am going to do for either (a) the big year-end contest or (b) the points thing for next year. Please, suggest.

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Here are some comments I wrote on stupid new Kermit on a message board I participate in:

Kermit is not Kermit. Kermit never will again be Kermit....New Kermit is not true to the character of Old Kermit. Old Kermit was an introvert. New Kermit is an extravert. Old Kermit was an innocent frog. New Kermit -- particularly in interviews -- is a postmodern, self-aware frog. (To be clear, the Muppet movies were postmodern and self-aware, but Kermit himself largely remained removed, naïve.) Old Kermit sounds like Old Kermit. New Kermit sounds like a guy who is trying to sound like Old Kermit because the guy who played Old Kermit died.

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I am sleepy.

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These are my favorite ten albums ever, in alphabetical order:

Björk, Homogenic
T-Bone Burnett, Criminal Under My Own Hat
Danielson Famile, Fetch the Compass Kids (or, depending on the day, Alpha)
Mark Heard, Dry Bones Dance (in a minority; most prefer Second Hand)
Iona, Journey Into the Morn
Lost Dogs, Little Red Riding Hood
Radiohead, OK Computer
Sixpence None the Richer, This Beautiful Mess
Michael W. Smith, i 2 (eye) (a great album, no doubt, but nostalgia helps)
Steve Taylor, Squint

I think. I probably forgot something. I don't know why I just put together that list. My mind seems about 40 I.Q. points lower than its normal level. I seriously feel like I am stupiding. I don't know. I need some activity to wake up my mind. Okay. Let's say there are 32 people in a room. And each of them shakes hands with exactly 10 other people. What is the range of values for the total number of handshakes taking place in the room? Yes. That sounds fun. I will figure that out.

The [USA Track & Field] mascot has a blue body with green hair, and a snout that is in the form of a globe. The globe represents international competition, as Team USA, the World’s #1 team competes in the world’s most international sport.... It is wild and zany on and off the track and will interact with fans, take part in crowd giveaways and pose for photos. All USATF Golden Spike Tour Events and select other track meets will feature the mascot."

Oh dear.

I am going to be a playwright. Here is the contest. I have four days to write a 10- to 30-minute play. I would pick a contest that is further out, but if I did, I would never actually write and submit the play, and you know that, and I know that. They are, and I (obviously) quote, "[L]ooking for plays that challenge our perceptions and expectations of relationships." I am thinking of a woman who is romantically in love with a tree. This is a good idea because not only does it challenge the perceptions and expectations of relationships, it could be taken as a metaphor for homosexuality -- forbidden love and all -- which will make my play "hip" and "cool" and "gnarly." It will not be a good play, and I will lose the competition, but I will have tried. I like trying.

Let's both try some word association. He said 'love,' she said, 'You bet.'" That is what we are going to do. I have listed 20 words and phrases, each of which is the beginning, middle, or end of some phrase that you need to uncover to get the correct answer. Knowing me often will help more than a bit, but not for every clue.

1) my troika (Geez. Use the Internet, people.)
2) dandilion
3) kimu nkimaanyi
4) comprehensive
5) creative and critical
6) appétit
7) taylor prins
8) sit on a meatball
9) cardscan
10) how perfectly
11) two decent ones (Um, I don't remember what this is. Wait. Yes I do. Beth-Annie should get this.)
12) but altered (Yeah. Read my blog.)
13) deli
14) the style of "march militaire" (I am surprised a Google search did not work with this. Maybe a different search would.)
15) secretary, the lovely (Devon or Paul should get this. But they do not read my journal any more, I guess.)
16) bicoastal
17) and the cinderblock
18) oh wouldn't it
19) out of shorts
20) i has

Sunday, I had to attend two back-to-back masses due to the stupid scheduling of my bell choir director¹. During the second mass, my mind started wondering, wondering, wondering, and strange musings occurred to me. As may not surprise you, I will share some of those thoughts with my readers nowish:

1) What was the rationalization of the non-Catholic Church to Biblically snip out Tobit, Judith, the Maccabees twins, Wisdom, Sirach, and Burach? Even prior to my semi-Catholic leanings of late, it was strange to me that part of the Reformation was to ditch books of the Christian Bible that had been set in stone for about the last millennium. So I will be, ugh, proactive: Starting sometime, I will be writing reviews of the six bonus Catholic books of the Bible, and I will decide for all non-Mary-obsessed² Christianity which of those books should be allowed back in, and which ones shall remain unclean, unclean! (Also I will be removing Numbers because Numbers is as boring as a boring machine could make something.)

2) I tried to remember the lyrics to dcTalk's newjack-swing ditty "That Kind of Girl," because it quotes almost directly from the Old Testament passage of the day. "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain / But a woman who fears the Lord, she ain't playin'."

3) Which lead me to remembering when I was working on book report (while driving down Lincoln Way) with a friend/acquaintance/whatever³ of mine on The Awakening, which is all about sex as I recall, and at this point in my academic career I was beginning every paper I wrote (regardless of topic) with a quote from a song, and so she asked me, "So, Matthew, what song could we use to start our presentation," and there was a pause, and then at the same time we both yelled "I Don't Want It!", a dcTalk's pro-chastity screed off the same album as "That Kind of Girl." That was pretty awesome.⁴ (Interestingly, she was also the one of the girls here, although not number 7 [since Kalista and Ed and Beth-Annie now know who that is.])

4) A story I can't tell because of, well, I can't really explain why, but Ed, remember when you were asking me if this certain female that I know⁵ has a crush on me, and I said, "No, I don't think so"? Yeah. I might have been wrong about that, maybe, I now think.

5) I also thought about contest ideas, but I didn't do well. I'll come up with something by 5:00, however.

6) Trying to figure out how the bell choir can play Christmas Eve without Kim and me.

7) Deciding if I should leave during church to blow my nose or to wait until the end and hope that snot doesn't start running down my moustache skin into my mouth. (I left.)

That's it, mostly.

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1 Y'all get the joke there, right? I need not explain it, no? Wonderful.

2 I'm sorry; I just had to come up with another synonym for Protestant.

3 This is something I need to write about a length some time, but in short: I have difficulty drawing the line between a close acquaintanceship⁶ and a relatively distant friendship. I mean, how do you know? I'm serious: Obviously, there are certain people and certain relationships that are easily defined, but am I the only one who has this sort of categorization problem? Yes. Yes I am.

4 Um, sure, that was awesome, but have I already told that story before on this journal? I think I have.

5 To be very clear, it is not anyone who has ever posted here or has (to my knowledge) ever read this journal, but people who read this know her, so I'm going to shut up now.

6 "Acquaintanceship" is an actual word, Microsoft Word's spell checker has told me. Huh.

To be more precise, the story is real, but the numbers are not; they are [mod $10] from the actual numbers, however.¹ I bought this present for Kimberly -- a tuba, let's say -- at Target's website online. I had a coupon for the item, and Target had free shipping, and for some reason Target let me use both free shipping and the coupon, so my receipt looked like this:

Item Subtotal: $169.99
Shipping and Handling: $4.98
Shipping Savings: -$4.98
Promotional Certificate: -$7.00
Sales Tax: $7.83
Total: $165.82

However, later that week, I found a better tuba (four valves instead of three; silver polish rather than brass) at another store that I decided to purchase for Kim. I checked target.com's return policy, and they said I could return the tuba I bought at any Target store.

So today at lunch, I lugged the tuba out of my trunk and put it on the customer service counter at the Short Pump Target. I gave them my receipt, and after saying that I wouldn't get the money I paid for shipping returned on the item, they (very nicely and willingly) gave me a credit to my Capital One card as follows:

Tuba Brass Lrg: -$169.99
Subtotal: -$169.99
Sales Tax: -$8.15
Total: -$173.14

Yes. I paid $165.82, got a credit of $173.14, for a bank error in my favor of a bit over $7.

Now. For one point, pick which of these scenarios will now occur. (All who answer correctly before the scenario occurs get the point.)

a) Target does not realize its error, and I end up $7 richer.
b) Target realizes its error, removes the coupon from my credit, and I end up breaking even.
c) Target realizes its error and decides, what the hey, let's take his free shipping credit too, and I end up $5 poorer.
c') Target does not realize the coupon error but takes away my free shipping; I'm about $2 richer.
d) Because the credit is larger than the purchase, the credit does not go through, and no one tells me.
e) Because the credit is larger than the purchase, the credit does not go through, and Target tells me.
f) Because the credit is larger than the purchase, the credit does not go through, and Capital One tells me.
g) I get the tuba sent back to me by Target.com in lieu of my refund. (Not exclusive of d, e or f.)
h) I am banned from ever shopping at Target again. (Not exclusive of a through g.)

Please. Guess.

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1 Devon, understanding what [mod $10] means is not necessary to enjoy this story, so you better still read it. Okay? Okay.

First, let it be known that there will be only three more contests after this one until the closing of the 2002 points contest: December 10, December 17, and December 30. The winner will then be the winner, and we will start over at zeros like Kim's Camaro's odometer. So this is important. Do not mess this one up. Please.

The contest is naming the twenty best Christmas songs ever. I am not talking about versions of songs; I am talking about songs plus lyrics minus arrangements. Your answers should be in the form "The First Noel," except not lame. The list has carols both common and obscure. All but two are relative classics in that if they were people instead of songs they would be geezers or dead. Each person gets three guesses per day in whatever time zone you are in until all 20 carols have been uncovered. If you come up with a carol that is better than number 20 that I have forgotten, you get a full point rather than the typical half-point.

Go.

1: "This Little Babe" (Ed)
2: "Fum, Fum, Fum" (Kimberly)
3: "Stille Nacht (Silent Night)" (Lisa-Anne)
4:
5: Amy Grant's "Breath of Heaven (Mary's Song)" (Beth-Annie)
6: "Carol of the Birds" (Ed)
7: "Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming" (Beth-Annie)
8: "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" (Kimberly)
9: Michael W. Smith's "Gloria" (Ed)
10: "I Wonder as I Wander" (Beth-Annie)
11: "Bring A Torch, Jeanette, Isabella" (Kimberly)
12: "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel" (Beth-Annie)
13: "O Holy Night" (Beth-Annie)
14: "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" (Ed)
15: "In the Bleak Midwinter" (Donna Marie Lewis)
16: "The Chipmunk Song" (Ed)
17: "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" (Beth-Annie)
18: "What Child Is This?" (Beth-Annie)
19: "Go Where I Send Thee" (Ed)
20:

Stuck between 18 and 19: Amy Grant's "Love Has Come" (moM)

Not at all right: "The First Noel," "Go Tell It on the Mountain," "Carol of the Bells," "Silver Bells," "White Christmas," "Little Drummer Boy," "All is Well," "Darcy The Dragon," "Away In A Manger," "I'll Be Home For Christmas," "Christmas Hymn" (Amy Grant's), "O Come All Ye Faithful," "The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)," "Do You Hear What I Hear," "Tennessee Christmas" (Amy Grant's), "O Little Town of Bethlehem," "Of the Father's Love Begotten," "Once in Royal David's City," "The Coventry Carol," "'Twas in the Moon of Wintertime," "We Three Kings," "Jingle Bells," "Frosty the Snowman," "Angels We Have Heard On High," "Anthem for Christmas" (Michael W. Smith's), "The Virgin Mary had a Baby Boy," "Lux Venit" (Michael W. Smith's), "Wassail," "Brightest and Best," "Mary, Did You Know," "Still, Still, Still," "All I Want For Xmas Is My Two Front Teeth," "Floating Heads," "Ding, Dong, Merrily On High," "Babe In The Straw," "The Governor's Dream," "Hark! the Herald Angels Sing," "Ave Maria"

It is a good idea. What my idea is is that each of us who is a regularish participant on Prinsiana/How Perfectly Swell picks out their three or so favorite Christmas songs that add up to about 10 minutes of music, and then they send me MP3s of those songs (or let me borrow their CDs so I can make MP3s of those songs, or I don't know some other method) and then I put all the songs onto the limited edition How Perfectly Swell Swell Christmas Album which I will mail or hand-deliver to y'all. It is a good idea. Consider it.

My rules:

1) Versions of "The First Noel" with lyrics are not Christmas songs.
2) Mannheim Steamroller songs are not Christmas songs.
3) Jesus being born songs are Christmas songs.
4) Winter songs are Christmas songs.
5) Santa Claus songs are Christmas songs.
6) Songs about Christmas are Christmas songs.
7) Hanukkah songs not by Adam Sandler are Christmas songs.
8) Christmas songs that are on non-Christmas albums (Rich Mullins' eh "You've Gotta Get Up") are Christmas songs.
9) Songs that have nothing to do with Christmas but are on Christmas albums (The Beatles' lovely "Ob-la-di Ob-la-da") are not Christmas songs.
10) If you haven't got a penny, a ha'penny will do. If you haven't got a ha'penny, then God bless you.

And I was watching Andy Rooney on "60 Minutes" last night for the first time in years, and he did this stupid thing where he spent two or three sentences talking about stupid things that he found in the newspaper, and then I thought, "Hey, isn't that the same stupid omnibus thing I do every week? And isn't my stupid omnibus thing just as stupid as Andy Rooney's stupid thing?" And then I thought, "No, because I am young, and Mr. Rooney is old, and so I still have my wit." And then I thought, "Okay, let's not think about what I just thought too closely, because then I would realize how stupid it was, even stupider than what Andy was." And then I started thinking about corn bread.

But I am not going to write an omnibus post today. All topic changes will have unambiguous transitions. Speaking of transitions, when I was driving to Circuit City for work this afternoon, I was held captive on four-lane Cox Road for two minutes by a geese collective crossing the road. They were very slow.

Speaking of slow, I have been told by one of this journal's readers that he or she does not find the journal as interesting as he or she used to, and that he or she would like me to post more about topics that she does very not much enjoy, like football and television. So I will change, for her. Or him.

Speaking of football, if Miami loses, and if Georgia loses, and if Miami gets ranked number three in both polls, between Iowa and Southern Cal, it is possible, if perhaps unlikely, that Iowa will go to the Fiesta Bowl, which will be played on television.


Speaking of television, I was mostly impressed with the two episodes of "Gilmore Girls" that Ed, Beth-Annie and Kalista brought on their Virginia sojourn, although I'm just not sure about that daughter as an actor, but hey even "The West Wing" had stupid Rob Lowe and "The Simpsons" has Ralph.

Speaking of Ralph, Ed and I decided that were are writing code to switch over the comments to his server, which means the page should load up gobsly faster.

Speaking of faster, quiz tomorrow. And points will be updated prior.