And you thought Prinsiana had no scruples! I have in my possession a patently ridiculous document, a document which I obtained through legitimate and even altruistic means. It's a...and...um...yeah.1 Anyway, it's the kind of item that would be perfect for the half-snarkiness, half-sincerity2 that is Prinsiana because the solemn tone of the document is at such strange odds with the [adjective removed] vernacular, which are both at strange, strange odds with the type of document it is.3 No one who reads Prinsiana (except Kim, barely) knows the guy who gave it to me, probably no one who reads Prinsiana (except Kim, barely) knows anyone who knows the guy who gave it to me, and it's relatively safe to say that no one who reads Prinsiana would be offended by its inclusion.4
Given the median I.Q. of regular Prinsiana readers is above the Mensa requirement 5, I don't need to tell you that I won't be printing the document. But I will anyway. Readers, I would just like to tell you that I will not be printing the document. I hope that does not come as a shock to you. My reasoning:
a) Even if I can have overly strict definition of the word "friend," the dude who gave this to me is no way no how a friend of mine. "Acquaintance" would be the perfect word. For some perverse reason, that makes it more difficult to do this, not easier.
b) I'm gun shy from, uh, past journal statements that I am being sued in magistrate court over (or will be once the paperwork goes through).
c) Reason I can't mention pertaining to the text of the document. 6
d) While this is not a private document per se, it's not going to be available on loan at the Henrico County Library, you know?
e) I just read an article about "Crank Yankers", and I feel a bit of correlation between their embarrassment of random strangers and my embarrassment of, um, who I would be embarrassing. (Just to clarify: It would be a group of people, not a specific person.) And because I hate shows like that, I'm going to be good and restrain.
I am so much fun.
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1 I have tried to write no fewer than five sentences in this space giving a hint to what this paper is, but each of them comes too close to revealing the nature of the document. That is why there is a lame, space-filler sentence.
2 More like 70/30, really.
3 Even with the removal, that sentence may reveal too much, quite honestly.
4 If I do post it, however, someone could very easily happen upon the page through Google, so there's a con right there.
5 132 on a test with a standard deviation of 16. I'm serious about that statement, too: There are about a dozen regular readers of The Journal at Prinsiana, and I can name at least five who'd be in or be awfully close. 7
6 This is starting to become like the MTV version of the (lame, overrated) Nine Inch Nails video for "Closer." (I've seen both versions, and I think the censored one is freakier.)
7 I need to do a column sometime about me considering joining Mensa about two years ago. Someone remind me of that in a few days. 8
8 I apologize for all the footnotes. Infinite Jest is getting to me.
oh so lovingly written by
Matthew |
i sincerely do not know what you are doing here. are you lost? were you
looking for your delicate calico cat, and did you follow her up two flights of stairs
to this room? she is not here. she was here, yes. we gave her a warm bowl of milk, we talked with her about campaign finance reform for a time, and then she bid us good day. i believe she was
going to the post office two blocks down, but i don't quite recall.
for surely you did
not find your way from prinsiana, the least traveled site on
the internet. if you did, though, perhaps you are looking for humor. perhaps you are looking for profundity. perhaps you are looking for answers.
i'm sorry, but you shall go naught-for-three.
